It is so easy to slip into the oblivion of nothingness.
Here I sit in the warmth of my apartment with food in my stomach. Here I am not lacking in physical needs.
Yet, the gloomy weather certainly reflects my mood: dark; gloomy; transforming into the dark storm clouds that encroach into the sunny bubble of southern Californians … unwelcome.
This feeling of unbelonging had not been so emphasized in a long time.
During my leadership meeting, I sat—a mere body to the people around me. During team time, I stood in the rain alone and unacknowledged. The gathering I left unnoticed.
Am I to be discarded and ignored when I serve no purpose? Do people remember to ask about my well-being only when they come face-to-face with me in group settings? Certainly they do not expect me to bare my soul to them in such rambunctious environ when the question is a mere formality?
Why bother asking those three words: “how are you”? Why waste your breath when you care neither for me or my answer? If you truly do care, why do you not take the time to schedule a day on which you and I can meet up and talk individually?
The truth is you do not care. You care only for yourself and the people who influence you. You care not for me when I have slipped so casually—so quickly—effortlessly—from your lives. Why would you when you have thousands of voices—those of work, academics, family, friends, significant other, etc.—to drown out mine?
Do not worry. This does not make you a bad person. Merely human. After all, are humans not easily swayed and distracted by the next fad? Fret not. I do not blame you. How can I when I brought this upon myself? When I sought to maintain distance from everyone who could hurt me in a way no physical wound ever can? In truth, I cannot. Feel no sadness or shame. My words will soon enough fade into murmurs and then into silence … only brought forth from your past to give you the feeling of déjà vu when they echo the thoughts of the new people in your life.
Live life the way you are meant to live it: with joy, with learning experiences, without regrets, without abandon. Live without me holding you back. Live. Love.
…and I, too, will attempt to forge my own path and do likewise. I wish you the best of luck.